It's been quiet in my tiny corner of the blogging world. I've been processing, starting many a blog posts in my head and never quite getting to type it. Things have been...hmmm...interesting around here.
I won't lie: we've hit some low lows lately. Thankfully they've been scattered with some great breakthroughs and wonderful family time.
I've done plenty of
not processing through everything going on because it just seemed too overwhelming, but now that things have settled (at least for a bit) it's easier to think through it all.
One thing weighing on my mind lately is our Sprocket. He'll turns 3 next week. I'm excited to celebrate him, to think through the journey he's had in the last 3 years, to think about the miracle that is his life, and as always with our younger boys (especially on birthdays), to think about and pray for his birth mother. I wonder what he would've been like as a babe, how he would've felt to hold so small and if his feet were as big in proportion to his body as they are now.
But this birthday has thrown me for a loop more than I anticipated. I guess his "delays" are more evident to me now that he's growing and he's just not a baby anymore.
He doesn't have any idea his birthday is coming. Even if we explain, he doesn't understand gifts or cake or the like. If I ask him his favorite things or what he'd like to do or receive, it doesn't even come close to registering.
His journey is one of mystery. And mothering this sweet one is an entirely different experience for me.
It's been a growing journey for me. Amazing and challenging. Overall, I'm thankful for his struggles. It has bonded us, helped me celebrate the smallest of milestones, gave me heed to slow down and be present, taught me to find joy in the challenging situations and has made me more compassionate.
Sometimes, though, I'm just sad. Because while he has come a long way and his needs are not nearly as bad as some, there is a vast difference in what he experiences and understands compared to other kiddos his age.
And I guess in the end I'm realizing it's okay to feel sad and maybe it's a necessary part of my mothering journey.
I've never parented a child with these kind of needs and I don't have mom friends who do either. This is new to me and sometimes I'm not sure how to feel, or what is "okay" to feel. I'm not being controlled by the situation, I'm letting my emotions be what they are, and that has called me to a greater reliance on God.
I'm usually one to just pull up my boot straps and slap on a smile and tell myself that someone has it worse off then I, so I should
stop feeling sad. But I'm learning that gratitude and sadness aren't exclusive of one another. They can be felt at the same time. There is always, always something to be thankful for, but that gratitude doesn't take away my sadness...perhaps that gratitude just directs my sadness towards the One who I am grateful to.