Today's post was especially hard for me. I've been realizing things about myself today, and they aren't pretty. In all honesty, I wanted to just post pictures and call it good. But this is what etched its way out...
I felt a bit lost today.
The house was really quiet with GH at preschool.
I wasn't constantly running to the kitchen to turn him out of the pantry or fridge, or holding him while he struggles and then falls asleep in my arms from exhaustion. I didn't need to interpret his world for him. I felt lost. I didn't realize how much of my day was spent assisting him, in between mothering and schooling the older 3 kids.
I've struggled with this preschool thing. After praying about it, we felt like it was the best decision for him. Insurance has said no more therapies, and schooling 3 more at home doesn't give me as much time to focus just on activities with him. GH needs constant repetition to retain something, and mimicking the other kids will be good for him. Our hope is that he would retain things quicker, thus expanding his world. But I feel like I'm admitting that I can't give him all he needs right now. I feel like I'm not enough.
I don't want to change who he is, but I want to fix him and I can't. I can't fix the damage that's been done in that sweet little brain of his. And if I can't fix him, I want to do everything else I can to help him shine.
Admitting that preschool may be best for me just as much as him was a pride-kicking pill to swallow. I want to be enough. Don't we as parents want to be enough for our kids?
But the truth is we will never be enough, because only Christ is enough. Have I tried stepping into that spot, wanting to be their all?
Today I felt the need to defend my feelings, defend our daily struggle to help him shine. He's a sweet boy and a smart boy, and an onlooker would easily miss his struggle and think we are exaggerating. "This can't possibly be true. Look at how well he's doing right now." Why do I feel the need to defend myself? Where is the confidence that I can just stand firm in who we are as a family and what we deal with, and not let the questions and skepticism faze me? Why am I allowing my confidence in my decisions rest in the comments of others?
We've been waiting 3 months for an appointment with the Child Development Unit at the Children's Hospital. They will call us when it's time to schedule an appointment, and the appointment is scheduled 3 months in advance. We've been expecting a call any day now, so today I called to check on the progress.
I felt like I was punched in the gut.
We still have another 2-3 month wait until an appointment can even be scheduled. Essentially we are starting over with the same wait time as we anticipated months ago. This puts us into 2014 before GH can be seen. That means many more months before we have better tools to help him, before we feel like we can fully wrap our mind around things, before we could receive a diagnosis that would give us confidence--validation that it's okay that some days, we really, really struggle. I feel like we need to silently deal with our struggles, because we have no "official" diagnosis. I feel our struggles are unwarranted because people don't see them.
"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:14This is where my desires can rest, this is truth. Waiting expectantly.
But the verse before it, verse 13...
"I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!"Did you see that? Seeing his goodness. Waiting expectantly. In light of his goodness, unmet expectations don't crumble us. We can be strong as we wait for Him. Disappointments don't capsize us because we can take heart and wait on him. He is enough, and he gives grace for this moment. And that is good.
Breathe deep in his goodness today, even through deep disappointment. Take heart friends, because He is good, and He is enough.