I've missed you friends.  I've also missed this sitting and typing and processing.  Truth be told, it's been busy around here, busy in my heart and mind, with lots to process.  And this writing lately feels like I'm laying my heart out there for you to read.  And that, well, it's uncomfortable.  I'd like to hide under a rock instead of live this out loud.

But remember my word for the year?  Affirm.  I want to affirm others and not rely on others' affirmations of my actions and feelings.  So with that, this is where I'm at. This is life...today.

This news about GH is still settling in.  I find myself shifting from denial to contentment and back and forth again.  One moment I'm thinking okay, GH is having a good day, maybe it's not really autism, and then in other moments I fully accept things as they are and feel ready to move forward learning how we can best help him. I appreciate it as an explanation, but I don't want it to define him.

The packet we received from Autism Speaks explained the stages of grief.  I didn't give it much heed until I realized I was jumping through all of them.  I wasn't expecting it to effect me as much as it did, and truthfully I wish it didn't affect me like this, up and down and down and up.

But even with that, it is a big deal, and it's taken some getting used to. Many friends have been gracious and understanding (especially when I forget to respond to emails or text messages).

But the brush off from some has been confusing.  It's "just autism".  I've been surprised by this attitude that we've received.  I will admit it's stung...sometimes a lot.  In a way I understand, perhaps I've even been on that end before.  Things could be worse; I don't disagree. There are resources and therapies, and knowledge about it has come so far in the last several years.  And besides that, he can be a very happy boy, and either way, I love him fiercely.

But there is loss.  I plugged along before we had an explanation, but some days in this knowing answers, it's just hard.

And while I process through this denial and sadness, I refuse to stay here because somehow, in some way, I feel like God will use this for good. I know that there is hope, I know that in this there is good, and there will be good.  I believe it with everything in me and I hope whatever you're facing that you realize it too, there is hope.  Even if you know it, it's good to be reminded.  


  1. Thank you for sharing your heart. :)

  2. I appreciate you sharing all you've gone through. I'm so very sorry some have "brushed off" what you are going through. Until someone has walked in your shoes, they unfortunately will not always understand. You are courageous and I pray this journey will become a bit easier each day.


  3. Standing on that Truth right along with you Linds.


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